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Week 14 -  Indianapolis Colts (9-3) @ Arizona Cardinals (12-0) -6

Another team that leads very little introduction. You all know the drill for the Lucky Charms by now - overpowering, Oh-My-GAWD offence led by the Peytonator, just-these-guys-you-know defence. Of all the teams left on the schedule, this is probably the one most capable of preventing our finishing the season unbeaten.

Thanks to some hilariously inept play from our NFC West rivals, we locked up our division weeks ago, and now it's all about playing for the number 1 seed and homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Our only serious rival in that area is Green Bay, and we sit two games ahead of them with four still to play so if we can pull out a win today, a loss for them against Tampa Bay will see us home, given our superior record against common opponents.

As ifs go, that's a family-economy-bucket sized one, of course.

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It all starts so well too. Griese's first pass to a wideout comes as Shaun McDonald shakes off his marker crossing the field behind Johnno, takes the ball at full speed then cuts inside the safety and trots in untouched for a 23-yard score. His second throw to a wideout sees Nick Harper giving WAY too much of a cushion to Anquan Boldin - who for all his undoubted ability isn't going to be mistaken for Bullet Bob Hayes any time soon. The space allows Anq to ghost past the corner like the guy's not there then get way, way up into the air to bring down a bomb for 33 yards and 14-0 before everyone's finished finding their seats.

I think the French say it best - the more things change, the more the Indianapolis Colt defence stays the same.

Then, just to keep things interesting, we decide to completely self-destruct.

First Brian Westbrook - brought in, as the attentive reader may remember, in large part to help cut down on our turnovers on special teams - fumbles a punt return, setting up Peyton Bloody Manning to Reggie Wayne, cutting our lead in half. With painful predictability, we get the ball back only to go three-and-out and give Peyton Bloody Manning a chance to hit Marvin Bloody Harrison and level the scores up. It's about this point that Brian Griese decides to get in on the fun, throwing an absolutely incomprehensible interception that sets the Colts up at our 9 yard line.

Luckily before my head has a chance to explode the defence stands up and holds Indianapolis to just a field-goal. IND 17-14 ARI

Even more luckily, on the Colts' next drive, the Peytonator fizzes a bullet into the cheerfully oblivious Edgerrin James, the ball doinks up into the air off the back of the halfback's helmet, and sophomore corner Jed Bowden is there for a sharp pick to set us up in Indianapolis territory.

Unluckily, Brian Griese is mildly disappointed by only handing three points to the opposition on the last drive, and so manages to push the envelope with a 90-yard strike to Nick Harper that puts the Colts ten points up. With two minutes left in the half, there's still time for Griese to overthrow Johnno for his third pick of the day, but somehow we get into the locker room with no further damage done. IND 24-14 ARI. Sigh.

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Who's the backup quarterback again?

"Charlie Batch. Nice work, Mister General Manager, Sir."

Oh. Bollocks. In which case - c'mon, Brian, we all know you can do it!

And he can. Or part of it, at least. We go fifty-two yards in a hurry, the drive capped by Johnno going in on a slant pattern from 16 yards out, and suddenly we're right back in the game, just three  points adrift. Oh, I'm sorry, I blinked and it was a ten-point gap again, a long catch by Marvin Bloody Harrison setting up Edgerrin Bloody James from close range,  then to add insult to injury following a three-and-out it's Pointing Manning himself who goes over for the touchdown that basically puts the game away.

We show momentary signs of life as Marcel Shipp contributes (what else?) a short-yardage score, but naturally it's Brian Griese who puts the fatal bullet through our collective skull with his fourth interception of the afternoon. The arse.

Final score - IND 38-28 ARI, and there go our dreams of a perfect season. Our record is now 12-1, and with Green Bay winning we still need to beat Seattle next week in order to guarantee homefield advantage throughout the playoffs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a wall that desperately needs my head banging against it.

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(c) daniel roe 2004